Negotiate Your Needs as a Surrogate

Being Submissive Is Often a Misunderstood Sexual Identity.

Being "submissive" means that you enjoy the submissive role in a consensual erotic power exchange, and it does not mean that you are "weak."

Since a submissive is usually the person receiving the spanking, spit, or whatever else has been responsibly negotiated, he can set the rules that he is comfortable with and what is off the table.

Of course, a submissive also listens to and respects their dominant's wishes, desires, and limits. But getting to the point where you can not only identify your needs, but also communicate and negotiate them, can take time and work.

Thanks to the sex positivity movement and a healthier understanding of BDSM, there have never been more tools, including working with a therapist, to help you negotiate your needs as a submissive.

Here are ten sex therapist-approved tips on how to get what you want out of a D/S relationship: from discovering fantasies to making them come true and reveling in the post-orgasm glow and aftercare.

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EXPLORE ALONE

Before you can convey your needs and wants to others, you must first know what they are. Whether you're single, in a couple, or cop, etc., spend some time alone to explore your fantasies. 

Sure, it's a little tricky spanking yourself, but you can masturbate, fantasize, and watch and listen to porn and erotica to get a sense of what turns you off, what turns you on, and what makes you feel open. 

There is no right way to be a sub. From impact play to degradation to water sports, anything consensual (including non-consensual consent) is a potential turn-on.

CREATE A LIST OF HARD AND SOFT LIMITS

Everyone should have a list of hard and soft limits, regardless of their preferences and commitment to kink and BDSM. 

Hard limits refer to things that are completely off limits. For example, you may not want to play any impact games that leave a mark. 

Soft boundaries refer to something you're curious about but not sure if you're ready to explore. For example, being dominated by two people at once can be fun to masturbate to, but if you're a little uneasy about trying it in real life, keep it on your list of soft limits for now.

COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR DOM(ME)

Part of negotiating your needs as a submissive means finding a Dominant (me) who has a solid understanding of himself. Remember, erotic power exchange is just that: an exchange. 

After creating your list of hard and soft limits, make sure your dom (me) does the same. Discussing your lists together is not only a healthy and vital activity, but it can also be intimate, sexy and erotic. 

Everyone's boundaries, hard boundaries, and soft boundaries need to be discussed and understood before engaging in a scene. 

Even D/S scenes that don't involve physical pain, such as insults, can cause emotional damage when not done consensually and intentionally.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE DEMANDING

Unfortunately, there are inexperienced doms who don't understand RACK (risk-aware consensual perversion). Remember: You are in charge. 

If you ever feel something off or have a bad vibe about a potential partner, don't be afraid to turn them down and listen to your intuition. There are plenty of dominant fish in the sea.

CONSIDER WORKING WITH A THERAPIST

Communicating within a relationship can be tricky, whether you're discussing paying bills or playing pee. Even highly experienced perverts run into communication pitfalls. 

Since communication is the foundation of any relationship, especially kinky ones, it's helpful to consider working with a therapist. 

A therapist trained in positive sex relationships can help you and your dominant discuss your wants and needs. 

Remember, sexuality rarely stagnates, so your desires can come and go over time. A trained therapist can help you navigate these in an insightful, wise, healing, calm, and direct way.

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